Sour Patch Xploderz Soft and Chewy Candy Review

I'm a fan of the Sour Patch Kids. Many extremely sweet candies coated with pucker dust fail, but Sour Patch Kids consistently kick your ass with their pleasantly sweet and sour high fructose corn syrup. So I was excited when I was at a random weird convenience market and saw their newest product: Sour Patch Xploderz.

First off before I taste, is it any surprise that the youth of America are becoming dumber and dumber??? "Xploderz???" Obviously thought up by some creep-master 50 year old dude who frequents his Myspace page -- where he's a 14 year old SHE by the way...

On to the taste...

Red with yellow goo inside: cherry with lemon... meh.

Purple with blue goo inside: grape with blue raspberry (?)

Green with pink goo inside: green apple with strawberry... eh.

These candies suck. They don't suck horribly. They just kind of suck.

You get what you want... the pucker dust coating... but it's not that insane which blows. And unlike regular Sour Patch Kids, you're teased by the goo that's inside. So instead of sucking all the sour off before you chomp, you're teased to prematurely chomp to reveal the shitastic goo. It's just oversweet corn syrup with crappy fruit flavor. It's like someone was trying to boobytrap the Sour Patch Kids by filling them with disgustingly sweet venom. Poop.

In the end I ate the whole bag. F off, I had a sweet tooth. And each time I had high hopes that the next piece would be fulfilling, and each time I was let down. Again I say poop.

Skittles - Chocolate Mix REVIEW

Skittles newest blend of flavors is "Skittles Chocolate Mix." It's like a bunch of Skittles met a bunch of M&Ms at a singles club, had a few too many shots of whiskey, and had some illegitimate children. Poor bastards.

First off, Skittles motto is "Taste the Rainbow." This is a rainbow of poop. Dark brown, light brown, beige, and not-quite-white are the colors making up this rainbow.

But who really cares what they look like... or that conceptually this product belongs in the toilet it looks like it came from, what's more important is: HOW DOES IT TASTE???

I'll be tasting these with my wifers. We'll each tell you what we think each tastes like.

Dark Brown:
Supposed to taste like: Chocolate Pudding
Actually tastes like: 'Chocolate Babies' or 'Chocolate cardboard'

Light Brown:
Supposed to taste like: Chocolate Caramel
Actually tastes like: 'Moldy sugar' or 'Chocolate and butter'

Beige:
Supposed to taste like: S'mores
Actually tastes like: 'A jelly bean' or 'someone sh*t on my Lucky Charms'

Not-Quite-White:
Supposed to taste like: Vanilla
Actually tastes like: 'sugar' or 'sugar'

I could give a long reason why I'm rating this candy the way I am, but I won't. I simply think it sucks.

Overall rating:

JJ Grimsby's Restaurant Review - Melrose, MA

"A Family Place."

I waited outside with my wife and kid and was trying to black out the "over-the-cigarette-while-boozing-it-up-hard-at-6-in-the-afternoon-
talk-while-your-suspected-baby-mama-is-at-home-texting-any-and-all-
possible-fathers-of-what-their-alleged-son-and-or-daughter-are-
doing-conversation" while my food was being cooked for take-out and realized that this isn't so much "A Family Place" as the sign says, but rather "A Disfunctional-Family Place." A good place for families to come with their lawyers to get a good bite. Also a good place to eat for people on a liquid diet.

SO...

I showed up with my wife... and a child in tow in a stroller. We like to hit the bar, order food, have a drink, and take-the-food-out. That's kind of our thing. However -- when we hit the bar, the bartender said "no babies." OK -- thanks for the notice that this place is full of insanely riotous chair-wielding bar brawls -- you saved my child's life. Thank you.

So we ordered from the man in the glass enclosure (maybe plexiglass to defer flying chairs) for take-out. My wife ordered Turkey Tips. He asked how she'd like them cooked. She said "fully through please." I was tempted to say "medium rare, please," and immediately hire a lawyer.

Prior we went inside to sit down (but our daughter was pretty tired so we opted for take-out). The place was nothing special - in fact kind of depressing - all monotone. Wood, wood, wood, dirty floors, wood, wood, teenage server, wood, wood, POPCORN MACHINE, wood, wood, wood. And the bar was really dimly lit and a little sketchy in feel -- which GOD HONEST TRUTH is my favorite kind of place to hang... so this seriously GAINED points for me... just not today. The clientelle seemed like the kind of guys who would beat my ass if they found out I worked at KISS 108 too... which made it that much cooler!! These are the kinds of places I like to hang out in... just without the wife and kid.

While waiting out front for our food I tried to keep my kid occupied looking at random fake candle lights and motorcycles outside. My wife decided to guy wait in the car because two guys out for a smoke-break from the bar were making her feel like a filet mignon.

In the end I got the food, brought it home, we ate it, and were slightly surprised at the quality. SLIGHTLY. My buffalo chicken sandwich was classic bar fare - but on a buttered grilled bun and with battered fries and a pickle was above average. And my wife's turkey tips were fully cooked (thank God) and actually quite tender with a nice bar-b-q sauce on them. The cole slaw accompanying both meals was pretty decent too. Out of 10 I'd give the chicken sandwich a 6.5 (a little mushy), the fries a 6 (a little TOO battery and cold), the cole slaw a 8.5 (very good), and the turkey tips a 8 (tasty & tender).

This is DEFINITELY a place I'd come to drink beers and get an appetizer with the boys. It's kind of the classic dive feel with the small fruitflies and all... and in Melrose which is awesome.

But next time I'll leave the baby at home (with a loving somebody) -- so much for "a family place."

OVERALL:

Cloverfield - Monster Movie Review

Cloverfield was 85 minutes... 25 of which were great... 15 of which were good... 15 that were setup minutes... and 30 of which sucked.

If you're reading this review you've probably seen the movie too. (I won't put up a "spoiler picture" of the monster so don't worry freaks --- besides my awesomely detailed computer-drawn pic.)

Things I liked:
*Fresh take on monster movies -- it's never shown from OUR (the civilian) view. I'd sh*t my pants if I were running up a staircase to jump from building to bulding while one was about to collapse and a monster was on the loose too!
*The "camcorder" feel. Never saw Blair Witch... never will. But the camera work in here was cool. It seemed authentic at times... and absolute bullsh*t at times too -- but we'll talk about that in the negatives column. However -- it DID kind of make it feel real, like when the statue of liberty's head comes screeching to a halt in the street and tanks come to shoot at the beast.
*It's "real:" I like the ending... some will fight me, but the way the couples end up are very real in this situation. And the way Marlena was knocked off by the authorities because she was a bite victim. At least that's the way I took it. Plus the looters and smoke were cool.

Things I thought sucked:
*I hated how "fake" it was. Come on!!! She had a RUSTY POST through her body/organs!!! Not to mention that she ALSO went through a helicopter crash afterwards and survived too! I truly believe she may have been cast in the wrong movie -- maybe "Highlander" would have been a better placement because she surely is invincible. I can't wait for the sequel starring her.
*The "camcorder" sucked too. How many f'ing times, and how rapidly did this assface hit the record button??? TOO many 2 second clips. PLUS -- more importantly -- that beast looked FAR too rendered versus the grainy feel of the camcorder.
*Predictability -- from the start you knew who were the main characters, who was trying to get with who, and the general layout of the movie -- few times was I surprised -- minus the end... and the fact that Beth COULDN'T/wouldn't die.
*Things were left unanswered. Did Lilly and Jason meet back up? What the hell WAS the monster??? Where did it come from? These questions didn't mind me much -- in fact I kind of thought it added to the effect the producer/director/writer were aiming for -- but the person I watched it with had a MAJOR problem with this and the fact that it wasn't all resolved by end.

Overall:

BUD LIGHT LIME (BL LIME) REVIEW

Summer is here. And so are grills, block parties, beach days, sweaty pits, and lots of outdoor drinking. One of the best outdoor drinks? Corona with fresh limes squeezed into the bottle.

But cutting limes at the beach results in sandy beer and broken teeth. So Budweiser is capitalizing! Enter: BL Lime.

They took a drinkable ale (ala Corona) and added the lime for you. Less time picking sand out of your teeth means more time scoping fatties in bikinis!

I'm not a big Bud Light guy. So I fully expected this to taste like rat piss with a squeeze of chemicals. Gladly I'll swallow my pretentious beer drinking pride and admit that I was wrong.

This beer is good.

In fact I'm drinking two now. My house is blazing hot, sans air conditioning after a humid day in the high 80's, and the beers are going down really nicely.

The lime tastes like lime. The beer tastes like a nice, fresh, crisp, light ale. I'm a fan.

Plus with the time I save cutting and stuffing limes, I'll start composting and try to make the world a greener place. Or I'll just drink an extra beer. But I will recycle the bottle.

I may change the review tomorrow depending on my "bathroom experience" (when I may rename it BM Lime) but as for now I give BL Lime an enthusiastic GOOD.


(Leave YOUR quick reviews in the comments section of this post.)